Archive for November, 2011

Never the last
November 30, 2011

by Elexa Rose
 
My head follows me
everywhere I go.
Perched on the top
of my body.
It moves with me.
 
There are constant arguements
in hushed voices
between my head, my heart
and my hand.
No one ever wins.
 
Back to reality
bu the reality is
I don’t know what that is.
Though I really am trying
to figure it out.
 
My eyes only see
what I’m allowed to see.
But by whose authority?
Who made these rules?
I’m here to break them.
 
But I won’t.
My limbs are snapping
with bright strobes.
It’s impossible not to
get absorbed by this sound.
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Flight
November 24, 2011

Moth-white, I flutter.
Dancing with light
that warms and softens my skin.
Teasing the shadows,
breathing out laughter.
They chase me round in circles.
Moths inside me flutter.
You hold my gaze
From the slipping shadows.
I melt in the kiss
that could have calmed
any roaring ocean.
Picked and plucked,
like the last daffodil
at the very end of Spring.
One by one,
my petals fall
and leave me bud-bare.
It’s a cold night
but your arms absorb my shivers.
I dream of your lips
and the words I have escape
and land in my ear.
The morning light is harsh
and I reach out for your hands
to find nothing.
For a moment, I doubt
if you were real.
But your smell is in my hair,
and my blood between the sheets.

Helmet
November 23, 2011

Flash fiction, because people don’t accept it as a concept.

When my Father died he left me his helmet. It sits on the top shelf in my wardrobe, snug in between a box of newspaper clippings and some shoes that I only wear on special occasions, over the slightly diagonal pole that my clothes hung from, sliding slightly to the left. To be honest, I’d forgotten about it for a good few years until today. It was only because my friend – boyfriend – had asked me about it today.

“I wouldn’t have you put down as a motorcycle kind of girl,” he said curiously. I’m not a motorcycle kind of girl. Mostly, I ignored his comment. We were in a rush anyway, and I couldn’t find my new fur coat, I got it half price.

We left once the taxi arrived, tonight he was taking me to see Phantom of the Opera; he’d surprised me with the theatre tickets about a month ago, though I’d been dropping hints for a while. Still, it was a nice gesture, comparably. On our way he continued to question me of the apparently strange contents of my wardrobe.

“What were all those bits of newspaper for?” He asked in a more interrogatory manner. I lied and said that they were food articles, fancy deserts, decorations ideas for cupcakes, strangest ice cream flavours from around the world. I knew this would start him off on another speech about how good food is like ‘great sex’ and the way it can really ‘change the world’, how great cooking can make you a ‘better person’. He was too zealous to realise that I was interesting in the blurred lights of the traffic.

Once we arrived I lit up a cigarette, he sighed,

“We’ll miss the beginning.” His voice had gone stern now. I took a long drag. He knew we weren’t going to miss anything. It was just one of those things that he said. Like when I order rump steak at a restaurant instead of the chicken salad, he’ll always say something along the lines of,

“You won’t regret it if you order the healthier option.” Though we both knew that the piles of crisp cut vegetables was not going to make me ‘feel as good inside’ (as he would put it) as the medium rare slab of meat would.

As we stood in the cold air outside the theatre entrance, I watch the road. A few black cabs rolled up that dropped off more attractive couples than us. The men with more expensive, fitted suits and carefully groomed stubble. The women more curvaceous, doing a marvellous balancing act on glamorous stilettos. Though, just before we went inside, to take our seats, a roaring motorcycle parked up front. A slightly larger, middle aged man unmounted the bike, and pulled off a helmet that was identical to the one in my wardrobe. As he walked past I said to him,

“I like your helmet.” He smiled and nodded in acknowledgement before disappearing through misted glasses doors.

Ever since then, that helmet has been in all of my thoughts, and I can’t put my finger onto why.

To my sixteen-year-old self.
November 23, 2011

Sixteen.
McDonalds.
GCSE, A-levels.
Good grades.
Decent wage.
Sixth form.
Feeling free.
 
Sixteen.
Was the beginning of
the fall.
Sixteen was the age
I lost count.
 
Sixteen.
Was the age of
‘fuck it’, ‘down for whatever’,
vodka from the bottle.
House parties.
Glass in my hair.
Beer on my bra.
Vomit on my bed.
 
Sixteen.
Sex on the bathroom floor,
in the back of his car,
on the decking,
behind a tree.
Half paralysed.
 
Sixteen.
Most of it a drunken blur.
Secrets started.
Pathological lying.
Drinking at school.
Sneaking out
to meet boys.
Smiling innocently
to my boyfriend.
 
Sixteen.
We ignored the blood,
the counsellors,
the food I never ate.
I craved acceptance.
 
Sixteen.
My heart broke almost
as many times as I broke his.
I could never say no.
 
Sixteen.
The beginning of all the mistakes
I made.
My sense fell asleep
and didn’t wake up
until I turned eighteen.
 
Sixteen-year-old me.
You were horrible.
You earned your reputation
too well.
But you taught me everything I know.
I wish you could see me now.

Day 19. What do I think of religion and/or politics?
November 23, 2011

~Thirty Days of Truth Challenge (http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/)~

I’ll keep this short and sweet. Fine, I don’t care if you are religious, I really don’t, but personally, I hate it, I hate the whole idea of it. And I particularly hate it when people use it to make decisions, like for instance about their view on homosexuals, abortion or divorce. But like I said, people can live their life how they like. I just don’t agree with it. But I won’t impose my views on you, if you don’t impose your views on me. And this doesn’t count as imposing because I didn’t write these questions. Politics. Politicians are unreasonable and do not make decisions for the greater good. No, our government is not terrible, but it’s far from perfect and it COULD be much better. I am not going to dwell on this question.

The question is do you feel like you’re letting go?
November 23, 2011

by Elexa Rose
 
Happiness spills through my lips
so fast
I can barely talk.
 
Floating through bolts of light
Or lightning
Or sound reverberating from my eyes.
 
Forgotten stress
Fell out of my head
When I fuelled my body
With this common dread.
 
What was I afraid of?
I could dance all night
With this beat in my blood.
 
Oh and just
The way your voice sounds
Right in my ear.
 
I’m feather light
And perfectly beautiful.
And you are irresistable.
 
No need to think,
No need to blink.
Eyes wide, I feel alive.
How did I ever survive.

Day 18. My Views On Gay Marriage.
November 20, 2011

~Thirty Days of Truth Challenge (http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/)~

Everyone has the right to happiness, to love, to spend their life with whoever they want. As far as I’m concerned, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, people can do whatever they like, and however people argue it gay marriage doesn’t actually hurt people. It makes me sick when people say stuff about it being ‘wrong’ or ‘shameful’. Who cares? Really? It’s just a gender. I don’t have much to say about this really, there will always be people who will oppose it, but society as a whole, I think, in generally quite accepting, which is good. I’m for it.

Did someone mention impressionistic characterisation?
November 19, 2011

You’re not really a part of my life though, are you really? I see you, nuzzling your way in, trying to become something, mean more than you will ever mean. I’ll smile at you in the street, if I saw you, though I doubt I’d see you. Look right through. I don’t have the strength to say goodbye, though the words will linger in my teeth, in my saliva, as if I once had the intent, to walk away. You tied me down here, tight. Though my mind will wander, far away. It smells like blood in here, and you have that look upon your face as if you have another bright idea, that I won’t like. Time passes. I didn’t like it. I try to kid myself. Oh god.

I let you win, again. Your words left my head spinning. The struggle against you – the ease in your arms. With your warmth wrapped around me the world flows easily, down my throat in impressive cocktails, in expensive champagnes, I can’t help but be swept off of my feet. Every single fucking time. Your words spin my thoughts into mini whirlwinds. But as soon as you leave, there will be destruction to honour your memory. I don’t want to beg for you to come back, any more. I’d rather live, missing you, but I am the rag doll you throw around. Don’t call me ‘sweety’. I hate that.

Day 17. A Book That I’ve Read That Has Changed My Views In Some Way.
November 17, 2011

~Thirty Days of Truth Challenge (http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/)~

The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald), I know I go on about this book a lot, but it really was one of those books that made me go, “FUCKING WOW!” Everyone has a bit og Gatsby in themselves, I’m forever worried about it, especially the whole aspect of him glorifying his view on Daisy, his inevitable disappointment, because in some ways, we all expect a lot more from people than they can or ever will deliver. People are always disappointing, and that is a fact of life. There isn’t one person in my life who hasn’t disappointed me in some way or another at some point. I’m not saying I’m hard to please, and I wouldn’t in any way every hold these things against them, because I know, in turn, I have disappointed people as well. Life just is disappointing, if you let it be. It depends on what you focus on, I guess. Also, I like this book because it show the absolute futility of Gatsby’s actions. He does everything. He succeeds. He beats the classes. He changed the winds as much as he humanly could. But, it wasn’t enough, because at the end of the day, sometimes the words just says NO. More importantly, people. People are rejection. And rejection after reworking your entire life for one girl, for one beautiful delusion of love, that is real tragedy. So how did this change my view on things? I think it sort of wakes you up a bit, shows you that the American Dream, is just a dream. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t aspire and push your ambitions, but don’t expect it always happen. Disappointment is an inevitable part of human life. Get over it, I guess. Don’t let it ruin your life. Don’t let it kill you. Obviously there is a lot more to this book than just that. I’m sure I’ll rant about other aspects at other times. I love this book too much.

Day 16. Something I Definitely Could Live Without.
November 16, 2011

~Thirty Days of Truth Challenge (http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/)~

Cigarettes. Ha. I really should stop smoking, I don’t know why I don’t. Silly girl.